After hearing story after story
Sometimes I am deeply disheartened about a few things.
At these times, I don't believe the following are possible for me, or most people without extreme, focused effort:

1. Landing a job that I love passionately and excelling in it to the point where I am recognized and compensated well, so that I can live very comfortably, have enough for two kids' college tuitions and two vacation homes (locations beautiful and expensive).

2. A healthy, loving, HONEST and life-long marriage

3. Changing the world for the better

Why am I disheartened?

I feel mediocre. I feel trapped by society and "this economy." Right now, I couldn't tell you what I want to do for the rest of my life and because of this, I can't imagine being hugely successful in anything. I want to do good, write, travel the world, eat its finest foods, meet its most fascinating people, learn, see and experience...but who doesn't want that? What makes me special? Why do I deserve it over anyone else? So then, the question becomes am I willing to work my a- off, not always necessarily with the prize in sight, and sacrifice any number of things to land that dream job? Right now, I'm not sure how I'd answer. Maybe, I am lazy, or maybe I just don't believe that even my hardest effort would pay off.

My reason for having doubts about marriage...ready? Next time.

Authorjustine lee
People of the Internet are g.d. weird sometimes. Scanning tech blogs is a big part of my job and it has exposed hundreds of people I'd pay not to meet.

What I've concluded: these Internet freaks rarely hesitate to show extreme enthusiasm for things of little consequence.


No, I refuse to accept "FARK U" into the english dialogue. There are too many examples -- I may have to make this a weekly installment.

Authorjustine lee
Today a survey I had to take for work asked me a good question. My selection is marked. How would you answer?


Authorjustine lee
You know when you're in the mood to write something profound? And there are a million places to start, but none that would be particularly convincing or even very cool so instead you write what i just wrote...

Tell me if this idea is cool:

A photo series of How People Sleep.

Why? It takes me a few minutes to find the most comfortable position to sleep in, and sometimes that most comfortable position is me in a really strange, twisty way that if you lifted the covers you would think I'm a freak. and my hand is behind some fold of the pillow and my feet are wrapped up around and over the comforter and back under again and my cheek is up soft against the fleece part of the blanket, and somehow my body is feeling like this is just the right earthly place to me. (next post, if you are lucky will include a photo of this position)

Essentially, I am intrigued by how humans find their most comfortable position on a bed of soft and practical material. I think it would be fun to take or draw pictures of the position a variety of individuals fall asleep in.

Would you allow me into your home on an average night to do this?

My guess is that most strangers would answer 'no,' but i would expect a 'yes' from these folks:
spencer Tunick art

Either way, what do you think of the idea? How do you fall asleep?

UPDATE: was wondering the same thing as me. They did a photo contest on Sleep last month (top ten entrees). See below for one of my favorites.

Authorjustine lee

i tear up easily. if i were a piece of paper, this would demonstrate my weak blend and quality, but i'm a woman so it means it doesn't take a lot for my eyes to align with my emotions and collect salty water. examples:

1. tears in heaven (see video above) played on the radio this morning. rush of "Wow, how miserable is it to lose your child? How painful is it to grow old and experience life's bests, knowing you are not raising your child and sharing those bests with them?" G.D. my heart aches just thinking about how it could feel.

2. barack obama is our president. yes, it's profound... a man with a minority ethnic background is our country's a minority myself, lots of weight in this. just thinking about all the struggle that came before. centuries worth. it still doesn't get old for me...thinking and appreciating.

3. This scene from Forrest Gump...

Forrest Gump: Will you marry me?
[Jenny turns and looks at him]
Forrest Gump: I'd make a good husband, Jenny.
Jenny Curran: You would, Forrest.
Forrest Gump: ...But you won't marry me.
Jenny Curran: [sadly] ... You don't wanna marry me.
Forrest Gump: Why don't you love me, Jenny?
[Jenny says nothing]
Forrest Gump: I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is.
4. This scene from StepMom...

Isabel: You know, I never wanted to be a mom. Sharing it with you... that's one thing. It's another to be looking over my shoulder for the next twenty years, knowing someone else would have done it better... someone else would have done it right.
Jackie Harrison: What do you have that I don't?
Isabel: You're Mother Earth, incarnate.
Jackie Harrison: You're... hip, and fresh.
Isabel: You ride with Anna.
Jackie Harrison: You'll learn.
Isabel: You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you... every single second. Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll be thinking, "I wish my mom was here."
Jackie Harrison: And mine is... she won't.
5. Charlotte's Web when Charlotte dies and Wilbur is confused.
Authorjustine lee
i forget how to flirt. today i went to coffee society. i ordered a small oregon chai and i ordered it with soy milk. male barista said "usually the soy milk is a tad extra but i'll let it slide this time..but next time! next time you'll have to pay." he was smiling, obviously flirting. i said with a straight face and neutrality, "there won't be a next time."

"just kidding," i added, half smile. he laughed.

when my drink was ready he called out "oregon chai latte.....and it magically, not sure how, turned into a medium." flirting again.

"thank you."

OK, so i'm in no position to flirt. happily involved with a sweet man, but still i was a little rude. did i have to be as stiff as i was to get my message across, namely, that i ordered a drink to drink not to make a friend ? i overcompensated. i could've been friendly but clear, but i chose instead to be somewhat cold. why am i writing about this ?

many times, i'll look forward to sharing a snippet or story on my blog, only to realize once i've typed it all out, that it's completely useless to you, my reader, and i'll just come off as pathetic and v. self-involved. next thought: but really this is a personal blog. reader, if you don't like it, leave it.

so, in some ways i'm definitely maturing.

i've been taking initiative at work, presenting myself more confidently in meetings and applying what i've learned over the past year to new situations.

but then, i will come home and ask my mom to paint my nails and she will. and then she'll ask me to turn off the radio and i'll do it, though, grudgingly. i will also snap at my father for switching between chinese talk shows and the giants game. i also can be rude to jordan.

this post's bottom line: i've still got a lot of learning and applying to do. mostly i want to be able to treat my family, friends and boy i should - with care, consistency and understanding. how to be friendly without leading a man on? low proiority.

Authorjustine lee
feeling sore and battered, sick at home, makes me wish a couple things of healthcare providers and medical applications:
  • someone could open me up and gently massage (tenderize, rub, season, whatever they need to do) my organs, muscles and brain in such a way that all my aches and strains would melt away into a soothing bliss.
  • someone could tell me exactly how i contracted whatever i have: when, where, from who or what.
Until then...

Authorjustine lee
So, recently I've been going through a baby-crazy phase. I know I am only 23, but in the olden days I would be a mother of 3 by now. In fact, biologically my body is ready to have a child. Emotionally, financially and mentally I am nowhere near prepared.

Still, I can already imagine how heartachingly joyful it will feel to hold my child for the first time, and how I'll feel such pride and glee everytime my little one does something adorable, which will be all the time.

But then I think Holy S, with that incredible feeling of warmth and unconditional love for the cutest human being you've ever seen, also comes a few formidable items, namely responsibility and fear. When I think of all the sharp edges, cement steps, waiting germs, deep pools, rabies-inflicted dogs, and sick sick child predators among countless other uglies, I want to be Nemo's father. but then, No, a child can't live well or normally without having experienced some pain. Ok- this post was not meant to define my principles in parenting...

The other day, I asked my mom if she thought I was cute as a baby, thinking there could only be one answer (that is, "yes"). No, instead I got a pause and an "eh" face and then a very straight "You were okay." My mom is kind of a b, but truth is, she was right. I was pretty average as far as cute goes, but I would have loved me. See below for photos. I chose some of the frightening, altogether embarrassing ones intentionally.

It's weird that I used to be so tiny. Also weird that there's a whole chunk of my life that I will never be able to access with my own mind, ever. I guess that is also true for the many forgettable seconds we live everyday, because if you asked me what i was doing last Tuesday at 6:57 p.m. PST, not a clue.

Patrick saw this and asked "What did your father play basketball in the 80s?" Answer: Yes, but only for fun, not professionally.

I like us together.

We're like tiny asian tourists. That is a toy camera in my hands.

Authorjustine lee
1. when i was young, we'll say, elementary through high school, many times, i thought that my family was f*cked up. and that my parents were abusive. and i just wanted to run away asap. now i realize that the only thing that's ever mattered is that we all love each other and always will. so replace f*cked up with tremendously blessed.

2. why is swimming naked so taboo that it's called something strange like 'skinnydipping' or is sometimes considered an adventure like skydiving or getting a tattoo? i think in private it's totally acceptable and in fact should be encouraged. why not? it feels really good and like nothing else. cover your eyes if this type of thing is TMI starting now. i swam completely unclothed today in my pool and loved every second of it. if my up-the-hill neighbors caught a glance? so be it. would i skinnydip with confidence in front of a stranger? no. a latin lover? yes.

3. i don't actually have a latin lover, but if i did, he'd be benjamin bratt or the waiter that poured and then spilled my sangria because the pitcher was poorly designed at a tapas place in downtown palo alto.

4. people can change for the better. it's nice to be given a second chance and to give one.

5. tim lincecum, if he stays healthy, will be pitching on my birthday, august 7. i recently had a dream in which i was mad flirting with him as we walked up and down the streets of SF. he flirted back but was cautious because player - fan relationships were frowned upon. i had this dream just a few days before my manager told me that tim lincecum has a girlfriend who he was on top of the entire flight back from the all-star game.

6. "hi there" is a pretty white anglo way to greet. "haiii" is pretty asian. "sup my n" is pretty black. feel free to pitch in ideas for other ethnic groups.

7. a kanker sore may be the worst mini-hurt item in the non-life-threatening, just annoying category.

8. remember the TY beanie babies craze? people would buy any and all of them. i think besides TY itself, McDonald's, and a few key eBay sellers, no one else benefited from this in the long-term. not true, my family did. we now have a cute collection atop our plasma TV. these days, it would have to take a REALLY really cute stuffed animal for me to hand over some dollar bills. it'd have to be so cute that i'd want to create a stop motion film with it as the main character and/or save it for my first born.

9. i'm working towards 10, this ain't easy.

10. 9 was cheap. i want to do something, work on a project, be a part of something so big and so cool that the unease ive felt for years now will be laid to rest. i have no idea what this thing is yet, (i think it involves traveling the world and meeting new people everyday, and getting paid. fingers crossed) but i can't wait.

Authorjustine lee
It is possible to have romantic feelings for multiple people at once.
I speak from recent experience.

UPDATE: while possible, is not ideal for much longer than a few months...

Authorjustine lee