the human ability to get over someone - a special someone who was the center of your world - is both beautiful and disappointing. let me explain.

first, why it's beautiful. and beautiful specifically in one context i know pretty well. one-sided break up. it's beautiful when you have gotten over someone when you had no other choice, when it was them telling you "No, I can't do this anymore. I can't love you anymore, and you can't love me. It's over." mostly, it's beautiful, because it's so g.d. hard.

I'm not going to describe heartbreak, you either know it or you don't. So, working through what is shitty, breathless, pain, sleepless, energy-draining, complete and constant misery, the same what if thought cycles of pointless but at the time really important for you to consider bullshit, is a beautiful thing. First, it's accepting that you're broken up. That he doesn't belong to you, and you don't belong to him. It's forcing yourself to break habits that have come to form your life. It's accepting that who once was yours, is not anymore. then, there are a bunch of tiny degrees of "getting over" after this initial step. Then, and this is HUGE. it's being ok with the thought that you may not (in fact, most likely will not) end up with that person, you will never share an intimate moment with that person again, they will never hold you and whisper i love you and mean it. you will never kiss again. Then, a few other small steps, before yet another impressive stride: being ok with them happily in love with someone else. i'd say next, is being HAPPY for them, not just ok. then, i think you're as over them as you can be. 99.999%. So much goes into this, of course. Time. Realizing you can have feelings for someone else, too. experiences confirming that they probably weren't the most compatible, best for you.

why is this disappointing? it is because if most people are able to do this, that is, get over people they once really really really loved and once really really thought they were going to end up with then what does love even mean, is it special, what is the point? how then do you judge what is sincerely right and true, when you know you are capable, given some time, to be over that person as completely as you are able to be in love with them? with every person i've come to love and then had to get over, i've realized with more intensity that there isn't just one person i'm meant to love. and while that's great to think in the moment that you feel the great triumph of getting over someone, it's upsetting to think, when you're stuck in the middle of really loving one, not bearing the thought of being over him. it's also the fact that this could be possible for the other person too. that, with time and practice (and other people), he will get over you just the same.

and yet, no.

 

in the past three years, i've had to "get over" three really amazing guys, and i've done well.

it's not really as disappointing as it is beautiful because while i've become more realistic about love after each relationship, all three of these guys still mean so much to me. they've each helped me define what i expect of myself and what i'm looking for in a future partner. they are each a wonderful source of fond memory, strength, and a resource for advice i give and empathy i feel. i don't see them as the same, as just a part of a group of guys i got over. they are in order 1. my first true love 2. most unexpected but most serious relationship 3. the fastest and hardest ive fallen for someone, where my heart is right now.

it hasn't been easy, and even though in this moment, i hate thinking about loving anyone else but #3, i know it will happen. and when #4 comes along, he'll be something else that only he can be. and fingers crossed, he won't be someone i have to get over.

J

PS - two songs to go with this post. UPBEAT - Noah and the Whale - 5 Years Time DOWNBEAT - The National - Sorrow

Posted
Authorjustine lee