(WARNING: some graphic content below that you may not enjoy, but there is a happy ending i promise.)

if there is one good thing about being

so sick you wake up at 4:30 a.m. with an acute piercing pain in the couple inches between your heart and stomach, a head simultaneously so heavy and light you find yourself in a state of delirium reminiscent of amsterdam, spring 2007 the first time you were so high out of your mind you were 110% certain you were going to die in your sleep...

it is this...

The calming thrill of the very moment you find you are healthy again.

guys, i spent a couple tuesdays ago throwing up on average every half hour. when i wasn't throwing up, i was about to. i was almost always in a state of delirium. feverish, hot neck and shoulders. this just really shitty, vague feeling stretching from the pit of my stomach to the tip top of my head of just Ugh, a constant wonder "Do I need to throw up" or do I just need to lay here? No, shit I need to throw up..Oh, God.....and just trembling and choking almost feeling like maybe, I was going to die, collapse from dehydration and just all the strength being sucked out of me. I felt like cardboard jelly.

when not in the bathroom, i was curled up in bed. at one point i ate saltine crackers and drank three cups of sprite. only to throw it up. the only moments of reprieve were very much moments, typically two seconds after finishing throwing up, i felt relieved like maybe it was all going to be OK starting now...how wrong I was.

delirium also included heightened emotions:

prime example: i watched The Bachelorette and there was a scene where all the bachelors + Ashley are helping renovate an orphanage in Thailand and when the the children all came rushing in to see their new home, i started bawling almost uncontrollably. I am an emotional TV/film/experience-watcher but this was not normal. tears just streaming, body shaking. I was crying like you might cry if you just found out someone you really cared for was deathly ill. WTF

but without question, the most emotional part of my 24-hour bug, was at around Midnight. I was in bed trying to get into the most comfortable position that would allow me to jump out and to the bathroom, having just thrown up for the bajillionth time, i just wanted to get it all out so it wouldn't carry into the next day... and this was precisely when my brother called from the other room and said he felt a sharp pain in his stomach. Ten minutes later we were both throwing up, in separate toilets, in separate bathrooms, only a wall between us. Yes. I was throwing up, holding my own hair back and crying and laughing, in my head thinking WTF is going on, laughing, crying. i was at the tail end of it all, and he was just beginning. it was all too much. 

so this all made me think of the philosophy that Happiness is the Absence of Pain. The calming thrill of waking up that next morning, I believed in that kind of happiness. I didn't want real, pure happiness of a new puppy or winning an iPad2. I wanted this. To feel alive! to be alive. To consume and digest.

all said and done, this was a nice reminder to be cool with hang nails and bug bites, kanker sores and blisters. blemishes and uneven bangs. That sht is junior high, it's managable. Real sickness sucks. Good health, I will not take you for granted so long as the memories of Tuesday, June 14 stay with me. thank you.



Authorjustine lee