over the past two weeks i've woken up in the middle of more nightmares than i have pleasant dreams. what i find nice about having nightmares is i wake up with a great sense of relief and gratitude for my real life, and the laws that govern it. some i remember in more detail than others...

  • baby alligators biting at my ankles everywhere i walk, i can't escape ... i have also had similar nightmares with huge, plotting boa constricters
  • puppies that start as playing but then begin gnawing at each other's necks beyond the point of instinctual play and i'm trying to separate them but then they turn on me! with evil eyes. but they are puppies. but i'm still scared. actually more emotionally devastated that puppies could hate me.
  • i'm climbing up this huge wall of large boxes, almost like that show american gladiators, except these boxes are real cargo ones and there are little knobs everywhere kind of like an indoor climbing wall. except the floor is not a mat, it's the dirt, it's mother earth. so i'm climbing up, struggling at every turn, some knobs give way and i must quickly find a place to settle. my chest is pounding, i don't know why the hell i'm in this position where i feel like i must keep going up up up...and then i grab a knob that seemed certain and fall down, down down. it turns out, this was all just practice, an activity for training, not life or death. i walk back maybe 500 feet away from the big wall and realize it is set up in the middle of a desert. i am in the middle of a desert. i look to my right and my "leader" says "good job out there, now watch the others." so i look at the wall and see a bunch of other people, they are mostly teenagers getting ready to go up the wall. and then. BAM! the boxes begin to give way and drop on top of the kids and they are squashed, they are dead. there is blood just exploding upwards. i am in complete shock. then the guilt. i feel responsible because i was the last person on the wall and had with the weight of my body shifted the tensions in the wall.there is panic in the air and i'm just standing there.
  • i am walking through a bird refuge, where a very particular species of long-necked bird lives to survive. and then soon i am running because i realize these birds are lose and their necks are twisting every which way towards me with intention. to hurt me with their beaks and their eyes are WIDE open and i am running and running until i get to a quiet area..whew. only to realize i am in the dead bird area, and i see them all dead in different ways. some are shriveled up. others are still alive, but laying on their sides, breathing one breath every minute.  others guts are disengaged and scattered. it's graphic. i feel trapped because everywhere, every step i take is another horrific sight or threat to my life.
  • i am working for a parisian musician. sort of like, i am his assistant. my job has been to pack up all his most valuable items, a keyboard, a long unplayable, but visually stunning guitar, to prepare for a flood. a flood that will swallow most of paris. it's pleasant for a little bit until the flood happens and i am now waist deep in water and dragging his keyboard through a tunnel /sewer out to daylight, slowly...then i have to go back for the guitar...and then there is also one big suitcase left filled with things i don't remember. once i've brought everything i'm with someone who i see as a mother figure. we look around and see that paris is completely abandoned. it's just us looking out. we see the eiffel and the arc and we feel a bit like the last two people on earth, the female non black versions of will smith in that one movie with vampires. and so i begin to think oh shit, this can't be good...i have no idea where the musician i work for is...i feel completely lost.

really and truly, i have the nighttime mind of a freak.

Authorjustine lee