(proof I'm single)
It's the hard, cold truth.
I'm writing this post for a few reasons, 1. because it's very real and 2. because a number of my friends and I have had sometimes angstful, often arrogant, sort of pathetic, borderline irrational always non-conclusive conversations about this and 3. because I want to read back on this when I'm well settled into life as a grown up person and be able to laugh at how much I didn't know.
At least once a week I see that a former co-worker I never really worked with, or a girl I met through sorority matching but never really connected with thereafter, or a guy who tutored me in high school Spanish has gotten hitched, diamond ring bling a-sparklin', 100+ comments and likes on engagement status update, honey-moon airport check-in, 200 photo wedding album uploaded, i think first, wow, this is happening. the world is getting married and giving birth, and, i'm not there yet.
I may not even be close. I don't feel envious or like I'm behind, but in fact I feel, maybe the opposite. I feel charged up with this energy of I like my life! And I don't know who these people are really, so it's hard to be happy for them in a personal way, but I can absolutely be happy for them making the decision to commit for life, because that is not something to take lightly, it is legit the most important decision many will make.
Marriage is something that excites and scares me almost with equal force. I think it's probably as beautiful as it is ugly. and so many other things. I'm not going to try and be poetic here.
I just figure I have the rest of my life to be married, why not enjoy - no - CeLeBrAtE! this time of being on my own and really just live the shit out of it. That doesn't mean being wreckless, emotionally or physically, it just means..do the things you probably can't and won't be able to do when the knot has been tied. Just get out there and make mistakes (but not the same one twice), and have the most fun, stay out late, travel a lot, pick up a new hobby, move your body, learn a ton, crash on people's couches, enjoy your time just you, doing nothing. meet new people, laugh with them, flirt with them, buy people drinks, accept drinks, be sexy!
Yes, there are waves of worry that come over me: sigh, what if I become desperate and need to freeze my eggs because I am 40 years old and I haven't found someone that 1. I am attracted to 2. have chemisry with 3. just makes me happy for no good reason 4. I have the same values as 5. I want to be with and wants to be with me 6. I love. and not those individually or some combination of those, but 7. all of the above.
The waves they come, and they go. and at the end of the day, I am incredibly blessed for everything that i DO have right here, right now. we all are incredibly blessed, and life will happen the way it's supposed to for each of us. ALL this NOT knowing is going to make the someday KNOWING pretty cool (or maybe even boring?!) Oh, me. Done here.
Leaving you with the best series of single letter typos on the topic of engagement rings, ever.
WhatsApp, August 29, 2012
Justine: Guys, people are def getting married
Neha: They defo are
Ran: omg yes they are
Justine: I want a small wedding
Ran: wedding photos blowing up my FB
Justine: I don't want to post my diamond ring on FB
Ran: ME BEITHER I DON'T WVEN WANT AN ENGAGEMENR RING.